No Legal fees for Laughter

   “There is nothing in the world so irresistibly contagious as laughter and good humor.”   
 ―     Charles Dickens,      A Christmas Carol  

  “Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don't laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions.”   
 ―     Criss Jami,      Killosophy  

 "O, for the love of laughter"

―     William Shakespeare,      All's Well That Ends Well 

It’s good to laugh sometimes... even at ourselves.

Definition of a lawyer….A cat who settles a dispute between two mice.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honors, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!"

His father responded: "You idiot, we could live on the funding of that case for another ten years!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>….

A junior partner in a firm was sent to a far-away state to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: "Justice prevailed."
The senior partner replied in haste: "Appeal immediately."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what
he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real
estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire
insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor said

"Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river
overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The
lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how did you start the flood?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

What is the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer.

The good lawyer knows the law and the great lawyer knows the judge.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Q. How you know when a lawyer is lying?

A. When his lips are moving.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Q: You're stranded
in a deserted island with Attila the Hun, Adolf Hitler, and a
lawyer. You have a revolver with two bullets. What do you do?
 

A: Shoot the lawyer twice!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
 

The housewife replies: "Four!".
 

The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those
figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
 

The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
voice “How much do you want it to be”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

God decided to take
the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A doctor and an attorney in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night. The
fault was questionable, but both were shaken up, and the attorney
offered the doctor a drink from a pocket flask. The doctor took the
flask with a shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows.

As the attorney started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor
asked, "Aren't you going to have one too, for your nerves?"
"Of course I am," replied the attorney, "after the Highway Patrol
gets here."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"
 

"Well, your Honour," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some
lawyer objects."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

How does an attorney sleep?
 

First he lies on one side, and then on the other. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Q. Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
 

A. He was looking for loopholes!

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A Lawyer’s charity

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'

'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'

'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.'

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were hundreds of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. 

To his surprise, Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly.

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don’t mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"

St. Peter replied, "Well, I’ve added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 174 years old!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer?

A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.
 

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."
 

"Okay, you first," replied the other.
 

That was the end of the discussion. 

Coming soon!